"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of.." Albert Camus

a couple of months ago, i remember waking up one morning, slightly hungover from some vodka drunk in the spirit of estonian independence day, but i remember feeling light, happy, smiling....and then i remember that i stopped...analysed...questioned myself, "why are you feeling happy?"....and my smile quickly turned to a frown because i couldnt think of a "good reason" to be feel happy at that moment...

but this last week i have been at home on sick-leave, recovering from a small surgery (dont worry, everything is fine ;) and despite some post-surgery pain, i have been waking up and consciously choosing to be happy...trying to focus on having a good recovery.....watching funny movies, sleeping in :) and i realised that i didnt need to analyse this happiness feeling or justify it to myself or anyone else...that i can be happy because i am :D

the secret

tonight i saw "the secret" with my friend, gabi....although for me the style was way too "american - in your face" and mainly focused on attracting materialistic things into your life, i gained a new perspective on a lot of things through some of the essential messages of the film...i dont want to say "learnt" yet, because let's wait and see if i apply them in real life ;)

the main messages i took away from the film:

* the law of attraction - we attract into our lives the things that we think about the most - the universe can't differentiate between positive and negative things - it conspires to bring to us only what we think about the most...often it is a subtle difference EG being anti-war versus being pro-peace....a personal example: right now i am having a very difficult relationship with someone, but i realised the more i worry about it, complain about it to my friends and think to myself how unfair it is, the worse this relationship is getting...i am going to try to focus on the positive things this challenging relationship is bringing me, like reminding me of why i came to brazil and why i am still here, the positive things i appreciate about this person and focus more on the positive relationships i have....i think this also applies to relationships that dont exist yet - when we subconsciously resign ourselves to roles or relationships that are not what we truly desire in order to try and avoid disappointment if we dont find them, we cheat ourselves out of the chance of finding the relationships and roles that we really want and deserve, because the universe (and people) pick up on this energy that we emit....this fundamental principle to the movie reminded gabi and i of the appreciative inquiry approach, how the questions we ask (what we focus on) creates our current and future realities.

* giving gratitude - a mentor that i had on the MC suggested this to me many years ago, and i think i remember doing it a few times, but it did not develop into a habit...the film reinforced the importance of giving gratitude on a daily basis for the positive things we have in life - focusing our energies on positive things, helping to attract more of the same...one thing i am going to work on is creating more daily rituals for myself to practice these insights - i dont think the need for daily practice was emphasized enough in the film, but i know it is true from my own previous "phases" of doing these type of things and the bio-psychology course

* visualizations - i guess this one way of envoking the law of attraction, to visualize not just the physical things that i want to have in my life, but how i will feel having them in my life, and gaining positive feelings and energy from visualizing them now, utilizing the fact that our brain cannot tell the difference between visualizing an event and actually doing it; as they said in the film this should be a fun and exciting activity you look forward to everyone day. i know this will be a challenge for me as in the past when i tried to do this i got caught up in the disappointment of unfulfilled expectations....i think in these visualizations i need to focus on me, how i am acting, thinking, feeling, rather than the other "thing" in the picture...again, it needs to be something practised on a daily basis...it might be a random coincidence but gabi and i jokingly told each other to visualize a parking space as we were going to a cafe to discuss after the movie...and what do you know? one appeared!!!

* know and desire what you really want - it might sound a bit absurd to have this as an insight, but i believe that sometimes i truly am aware of what i want to have in my life, but i can replace this deeper desire and focus on a more superficial goal, one that is more common, accepted or seems more easily obtained...and in these cases we should be careful what we wish for!! i want to have more courage to focus on the things i really want to have in my life, even if they are different from the society or my friends' expectations or i am afraid that i wont be able to achieve them.

one point gabi and i discussed was why the film focused so much on material gains...was our discomfort with this just a sign of our different personal values and goals, or that we have "negative money thoughts"? ...or a reflection on the fact that money is not a large gap in our lives? or did the makers of the film think that most people are focused on money and material gains and so they needed to show connections with that so that people would listen to the message and try to take it seriously? or is it a sad, but accurate reflection on the main focus of the majority of people in our societies?

new york new york

i am not sure what compels people to say the name of this city twice, but after my first visit there i think i can honestly say that i do understand the "i HEART NY" phenomenon...

i am not 100% sure what drew me to new york - apart from jen, because i have never really had a strong desire to travel to the US....but after four days i developed quite a liking for the big apple...my wonderful host led me on great walks through the city, the big buildings, the parks, the musicals, cruising the river, the bars showing the world cup cricket final, the small stores, raspberry ciders in the sun by the port, the goat-cheese omelettes and mushrooms, the americanness, the diversity....

obviously 4 days is too short to "do it all"...but i would recommend the Circle Line cruise (2 hours) around Manhattan, the Ellis Island Immigration museum, the Village and the little breakfast and lunch cafe near jen´s place in haarlem!!

it was wonderful to spend time with jen, ripun, tori and asha again....and to see how they are enjoying new york new york on a more permanent basis ;) cant wait till your trips to brazil and i can repay even some of your hospitality!

realisations

it could not have come at a better time...another full weekend at the Future Vision Eco-Park...for the second module of the bio-psychology course...living in the concrete jungle that is São Paulo, it is such an amazing feeling to enter the natural beauty of the park and gaze up at a sky filled with stars that are perpetually hidden in São Paulo...and for me this module and weekend were quite a revelation....

the day before the module started i read excerpts from a book by Carol Dweck about the mindset of success... I realised that one of the beliefs instilled in me is that I am good, I am a high achiever, I am competent...which does not appear to be a bad belief, but I realised that the other side of it is that if I am not "good" or achieving (which is not possible 100% of the time obviously), then, implicitly, I must be "bad" or wrong...instead of really accepting that I make mistakes, I learn, I grow...phheww! what a relief!!! i thought about all the times i beat myself up in my head for making a mistake, or saying the wrong thing....instead of feeling grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow... Susan (the teacher of the biopsychology course) told a story about an interview with the Dalai Lama. The journalist asked him if he ever got angry...he laughed and said of course, he is human, but he tries to improve this, and he is noticing an improvement, decade by decade ;) This is something that I have known superficially for a long time, but this was one of the first times when i really KNEW it, on a deeper level.

the second module was about the second chakra, which is associated with the following emotions or energies - lack of self-esteem, self-destructiveness, pitilessness, disdain, dilusion and suspicion...our chakra based on our reptilian brains and survival instincts....tendencies which do not seem extremely productive, but do make sense when we think about them in the context of battles for survival, from our evolutionary past in the animal kingdom...all reactions that helped us to survive dangerous situations....and for me, I felt such a release when I realised that my energy from this second chakra has been working in over drive because I have been telling myself/living in survival mode since I moved here to Brazil...i finally have a better understanding about some of my tough times here in Brazil....they have a context and a frame that makes sense to me...but now is time to move beyond survival mode and re-balance that chakra!!

since the course i had a slight setback to breaking out of "survival mode" when my electricity was cut off because i somehow forgot to pay the electricity bill back in november and had not seen the outstanding debt written at the top of all my subsequent electricity bills! this meant that i had to pack for my holiday in new york by candlelight!