realisations

it could not have come at a better time...another full weekend at the Future Vision Eco-Park...for the second module of the bio-psychology course...living in the concrete jungle that is São Paulo, it is such an amazing feeling to enter the natural beauty of the park and gaze up at a sky filled with stars that are perpetually hidden in São Paulo...and for me this module and weekend were quite a revelation....

the day before the module started i read excerpts from a book by Carol Dweck about the mindset of success... I realised that one of the beliefs instilled in me is that I am good, I am a high achiever, I am competent...which does not appear to be a bad belief, but I realised that the other side of it is that if I am not "good" or achieving (which is not possible 100% of the time obviously), then, implicitly, I must be "bad" or wrong...instead of really accepting that I make mistakes, I learn, I grow...phheww! what a relief!!! i thought about all the times i beat myself up in my head for making a mistake, or saying the wrong thing....instead of feeling grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow... Susan (the teacher of the biopsychology course) told a story about an interview with the Dalai Lama. The journalist asked him if he ever got angry...he laughed and said of course, he is human, but he tries to improve this, and he is noticing an improvement, decade by decade ;) This is something that I have known superficially for a long time, but this was one of the first times when i really KNEW it, on a deeper level.

the second module was about the second chakra, which is associated with the following emotions or energies - lack of self-esteem, self-destructiveness, pitilessness, disdain, dilusion and suspicion...our chakra based on our reptilian brains and survival instincts....tendencies which do not seem extremely productive, but do make sense when we think about them in the context of battles for survival, from our evolutionary past in the animal kingdom...all reactions that helped us to survive dangerous situations....and for me, I felt such a release when I realised that my energy from this second chakra has been working in over drive because I have been telling myself/living in survival mode since I moved here to Brazil...i finally have a better understanding about some of my tough times here in Brazil....they have a context and a frame that makes sense to me...but now is time to move beyond survival mode and re-balance that chakra!!

since the course i had a slight setback to breaking out of "survival mode" when my electricity was cut off because i somehow forgot to pay the electricity bill back in november and had not seen the outstanding debt written at the top of all my subsequent electricity bills! this meant that i had to pack for my holiday in new york by candlelight!